A Rainy Sunday

It’s rare to have a string of rainy days in Rome, but that is what was in the forecast this weekend. Because it is my father’s birthday on Monday we decided to do what we did last year and go to mass at the church where my parents got married in 1960, San Giovanni a Porta Latina. We easily parked outside the church and sat in the same place we did before, and the children’s choir was just as sweet as we remembered. I even took the same panoramic view of the interior with my mother sitting to the left as I had last time. 

Our moods lifted by the beauty of the church and the familiar mass and music, we drove to the nearby neighborhood of Ostiense to have brunch at our beloved Marigold (I previously wrote about our first lunch at this wonderful new restaurant run by a husband and wife team). We got there just in time to score a spot at the long central table on the end. We got to chat again with both Sofie and Domenico, even though it got very busy, and had our brunch favorites,

 
eggs benedict and avocado toast, while enjoying the pleasurable vibe of the international clientele. We bought some chocolate chip cookies, seeded rye bread, and granola to take home in a new blue Marigold tote bag.

The rain let up as we made our way back to the car, and driving along the Tiber we admired the green sycamore trees and the familiar buildings as we drove back north towards home. Then my mother wondered if our florist might be open, so we turned right at the piazza and sure enough his stand was full of buckets of pink peonies and potted hydrangeas.

As he wrapped our flowers he gave some extra fully opened short stem peonies to my mother for free, because that’s just the kind of wonderful generous man he is, and she delighted in arranging them when we got home. Usually our flower market day is Tuesday, but it’s also nice to have fresh flowers on a rainy Sunday just as Tuesday’s peonies were starting to fade. 

Then we napped. Some days it is the simple pleasures that bring the most profound feelings of gratitude. 

The unexpected setback

Caretakers of people diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia know that even the most fluid and comfortable daily routine can be interrupted by the slightest thing: a stuffy nose can be cause for alarm, a clumsy stumble into a chair causing a bruise, water going down the wrong way and causing a coughing fit. Most of what one reads about this disease creates a picture of slow, steady decline, but in my experience the reality is more like a boat on the sea. It can be calm and beautiful, peaceful and serene for a bit, and then the wind picks up and there’s a gentle bobbing up and down that eventually feels manageable. But if bigger waves arrive, you cling to the side of the boat, fighting nausea, and wanting the motion to please, please just stop.

Nerves and neck bones don't
always get along

So it has been for us the past week. First, there was a return of neck pain due to cervical radiculopathy, a pinched nerve that can cause tear-inducing pain through the neck, shoulder, and arm. In desperation, because it was a weekend, I gave my mother the medicine she had previously taken about a year ago, Gabapentin, which is effective but we were glad to get her off it. Although it worked to help the pain subside, it caused great drowsiness. I tried my best to help my mother do the regular exercises that I learned from her physical therapy back in New York, but she was increasingly stiff and unable to turn and tilt her neck. Still, she managed a dental visit to have a permanent

Our traditional Thanksgiving plate

crown fitted, and a Thanksgiving weekend visit with our friends from Reggio Emilia complete with a big roast turkey lunch, and even dinner out the night before. Sunday we went to see our friend perform in a comedic play, and the week that followed was pretty normal, with a social invitation for tea with our neighbors Sunday afternoon.

The following Monday we celebrated because I passed my driving road test, the final hurdle to obtaining an Italian driver’s license. This had been weighing on me since the summer, and it had taken two tries to pass the true-false theory exam as you can only get 4 questions wrong out of 40, and about 10 are really tricky even if you study as if you have to pass a bar exam. But my mother was

Mimi knows when my mother needs her

weaker and started using her cane again, and by Thursday I had rented a walker. Friday was spent mostly asleep in bed, but I managed to get her to the doctor’s office for a 7pm appointment. Her regular doctor was away, and had reassured me on the phone that her colleague would handle whatever was causing the decline (and that might simply be a curable infection). Doctor Bacci was so charming, and having spent a few years in Cleveland and Brooklyn, spoke perfect English. He listened carefully to her lungs and heart, and prescribed a course of antibiotics, switching her from Gabapentin to Tylenol with codeine at half a dose, and ordered some blood work.

By Sunday she could no longer walk or even stand for more than a few moments. The blood work revealed anemia, so we began treating her with iron and vitamin B12 shots. The company that handles her lab work, Bios, also provides at-home nursing care, so I got badly needed help in bathing her in bed and getting other tests done. She continued to eat and drink, although this was all more difficult, but we figured out what worked best (thank goodness for children’s sippy cups). I bought a bedside commode so she could be spared the indignity of giant adult diapers, which she kept trying to rip off at night. As usual, patience and humor paid off and now she seems to have turned the corner back to healing and health and I am finally breathing sighs of relief.

What I have learned is that the unexpected setback, even the most difficult one, is a kind of test to see how to manage stormy seas. Like other challenges in life, it can be viewed as a learning opportunity and provide a window into how to better manage the next curve ball life throws at you. Watching the nurses, I learned a few tricks about moving my mother’s body without hurting her, and found the strength needed to get through nights of sleeping and waking not unlike what new parents go through as their babies try to adjust to life outside the womb. I thought about the young people from my driving school who also passed the road test and now were going to have to cope with the wild west traffic of Rome (although having lived here they are probably more used to it than I am). It takes a close call, or even a fender bender to appreciate the importance of being extra cautious when driving in city traffic.

I know it seems strange, but I feel more ready to accept the end of life when it is coming. My gratitude for the help in seeing my mother through the unexpected setback gives me renewed joy in every precious moment we get to share, no matter how hard.

How We Cheer Up

I won’t lie. Sometimes, even the idyllic city of Rome isn’t enough to conquer the blues. My mother’s 89-year-old body, with all original parts, sometimes hurts, gives out on her, and in other ways causes her to get in a funk. There’s no doubt that caretaking, with the daily chores of cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. can also take a toll on my mood. Then news from the U.S. is often seriously depressing. So we try to abide by some guidelines from neuroscience to work on our mutual happiness.

Sunshine and Vitamin D

According to Dr. Alex Korb of UCLA, sunlight absorbed through the skin helps the brain make serotonin and we know that vitamin D insufficiency is a widespread problem affecting at least half of us.  We need more than presently recommended to prevent chronic diseases.  

Mimi loves the sun too.

We are lucky to have a south-facing terrace where we planted a lemon tree and put an outdoor chair to sit in when the sun is out. One of my mother’s favorite morning rituals is to sit out in the sun for at least 20 minutes, and luckily the climate in Rome is warm enough that she can do this even in January. (We make sure she has sunscreen on as she’s had her fair share of skin cancer removals).

Fresh Flowers

Dr. Andrew Weil has said that we should keep fresh flowers in the home “for the beauty, fragrance, and the lift they give our spirits.”  My mother really has a gift for arranging flowers, and her idea of fun is having multiple bunches of fresh flowers to cut and arrange in various types of glass and ceramic vases and place all around. Here in Rome the large wholesale flower market is open to the public on Tuesday mornings, so I have made an effort to get there weekly and come home with different flowers for her to play with.

The mercato dei fiori is gigantic.

Maureen at work.

I work alongside her, trying to learn from her expertise, and then about halfway through the week, we recut and rearrange, sorting out the drooping or dried out ones. We also have a regular flower guy we buy from, and he is so sweet that he always greets my mother with some free bunch of fragrant flowers (last time it was baby paper whites).

Maureen with our fiorista.

Outdoor flower stands abound in Rome, and prices are so reasonable that there really is no excuse for not having at least a few bouquets in the apartment at all times.

Gratitude

There are scientific studies that show the benefits of expressing gratitude  and Dr. Korb explains how this habit can also improve sleep and overall health. When the bad news gets us feeling anxious, helpless, angry, we try to focus on all the reasons we have to be grateful, including the fact that we had the means to move to Rome and live here in such a beautiful apartment. When we wake up in the morning, we express our feelings of appreciation for the view of pine trees outside the window, for a warm shower with fragrant soap, for a hot mug of espresso coffee and steamed milk, for fresh-squeezed orange juice. While these material things may seem insignificant, it’s not authentic to have a daily thought of “thank God I’m alive” but rather it is in recognizing the small things that bring us pleasure that we can reap the benefits of practicing gratitude. It goes without saying that when we express gratitude towards others the effect is amplified. When I was a teacher, the single best thing I did to build morale and good will in the classroom was to have a moment halfway through the day for everyone to share compliments with each other. Who doesn’t love a public “thank you” from the heart? We all do. Empty praise, no. Sincere thanks, yes.

Maureen reassures Mimi during the fireworks
of  New Year's Eve.

Hugs

We all love a good hug, whether from a friend, lover, family member, even a pet (yes, cats give hugs as well as dogs!) Giving and receiving affection is absolutely linked to human contentment, as physical expressions of love and connection complement the verbal and non-verbal ways we express

My friend Luca gives great hugs.

how we care for each other. In my family, we hug a lot. My sister and I established a funny “seal” hug when we were younger that we still do from time to time, and it makes us laugh. One of us is the seal, the other wraps arms around tightly and the seal flaps flippers and makes a happy seal bark. Where did this come from? No one taught us to hug like that. But we invented it and made it ours. Hugs are my antidote of choice to the blues, whether I’m asking or giving. It just feels good, and the feeling is contagious.

Acknowledging Emotions

Sometimes if you’re angry the last thing you want to hear from someone is “cheer up” – you’re likely to retort with a scowl or worse. Apparently, neuroscience says it’s best to label your feelings and know that the less desirable ones come and go in time.  I am finding that with Alzheimer’s this is especially important, as the disorientation and confusion caused by memory lapses can be quite aggravating. My mother in particular hates “feeling stupid.” Rather than trying to refocus or shift discussion away from my mother’s need to express those feelings, I will acknowledge them and let her talk through it until naturally things move on. Whenever she has been particularly agitated or fearful, I also talk her through some calming deep breathing, which is also effective. Lately we’ve been using Dr.Weil’s 4-7-8 breathing exercise at bedtime and it seems to be working.

The Ponte Milvio market.

Go for a Walk

Yes, exercise is important for physical and mental health, but a simple walk outdoors can do a world of good without having to get to the gym or follow a workout routine. One of my favorite walks is to stroll through the antique outdoor market along the Tiber by Ponte Milvio on Sunday mornings. I love the combination of admiring old things for sale, people watching, and soaking in the sunshine and views of the river. I also love to walk in the historic center of Rome in small side streets that lead to wide open piazzas, especially as late afternoon sun gives way to twilight, and to the early evening. It is positively magical for my mood.

When all else fails, we pour ourselves a glass of wine and get out the savory snacks.

The fountain in front of the Pantheon is one
of my favorites.